I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
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Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
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Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
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