mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
