i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Randomize
