I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
