I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
