he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
