what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
