I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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