I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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