I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
