I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
