if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
