Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
