She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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