Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
