I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
