You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
