I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
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