I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
