And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
