I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
