everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
