She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
accomplished twins. life is a go
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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