Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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