smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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