I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
