my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
how do flat chested girls get laid?
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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