I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Let's paint friendship bongs
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
