Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
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