Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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