My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
