Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Randomize
