Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
