I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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