Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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