the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
