I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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