remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
