Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Randomize
