Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
