In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
