I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Randomize
