I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
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