I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Randomize
