Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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