my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
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