I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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