I'm so fucking centered right now
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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