yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
