Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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