dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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