Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
