The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
