The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
