hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
