that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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