I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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