Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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