one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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