I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
THAT is your concern right now?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.