i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
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his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
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If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.