I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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